“The man I want just doesn’t exist I guess!” Which is true, he can’t exist because there was too much control. If he wasn’t my idea of a man then I was done. Or I made excuses and stayed with someone who wasn’t right because they had enough of what I wanted.
“Leah. I don’t care if he’s tall, short, younger than me, or whatever. He can be anything, I only want him to be a man of God. I’m not worried about superficial things anymore, God will provide attraction.”
- A quote from my friend Cara during a Facetime with her
Ahh, my friend Cara has finally reached the point I’ve been praying for. She has discovered that true physical or emotional attraction comes from so much more than a list of things we like. My friend Cara is 23 and navigating the confusing world of Christian singleness. Immersed in a societal culture that tells you that you can have whatever you want and a Christian culture that has specific guidelines for what you need, it can be hard to figure out what attraction is. Is it all looks and charisma? Certainly, you can still be attracted without being a superficial jerk, right?
For Christians, the answer is a bit more nuanced. We want a Godly partner who prays for us, but we also want to have a physical attraction (we do have to have sex with this person). Some people look down on Christians for wanting a biological attrition. “Just marry a Godly person,” they say. While that is important, I would argue that it’s OK to seek both, and it’s all in how your prayers approach it. Here is MY list before I met my husband:
Loves God
Handsome
Tall
Older
Musician
Fun
Emotionally Intelligent
Strong
Loves to travel
Loves to dance
Some of the items aren’t horrible, but when I kept going for men who fit this bill completely, I was consistently let down. When one item on my list didn’t match, I was let down and felt like a failure. “The man I want just doesn’t exist I guess!” Which is true, he can’t exist because there was too much control. If he wasn’t my idea of a man then I was done. Or I made excuses and stayed with someone who wasn’t right because they had enough of what I wanted. I would force things to work because it was on my list, and I felt like that was a sign from God. It wasn’t fulfilling me because I didn’t let God provide me with what he wanted for me. Here is what God provided when I let my ideas go:
Loves God MORE than me
VERY handsome
Two inches taller than me- a mid-height king if you will
Younger
Film Artist
Incredibly Emotionally Aware
VERY strong mentally and physically
Loves to Travel
Doesn’t like to dance, But LOVES dancing with me
Having a taller man didn’t equate to being strong. Having an older man doesn’t always mean he’s more mature. After I let God provide I realized there were things I missed. I love hugs and kisses, flowers, freaking out over cute animals, drinking coffee and wine, movies,(hit the jackpot on that), museums, and taking pictures. I was so focused on the exterior that, I forgot that I had to spend every day with this person. I forgot about the mundane, and unique parts of myself that would come out. But God didn’t forget. He allowed my husband to supplement my weaknesses, and uplift the parts that made me, me. I will take a man who goes to the World of Coke with me and act like it’s the first time, then a man who just plays an instrument (yes we do that, and we wear matching Coke shirts). To top it all off, I was attracted to him, both physically and emotionally.
During our Facetime, my friend Cara smiled at me and smiled at me and said; “There is this guy, and he has the sweetest smile, look how genuine it is!” My heart warmed up. For the first time, she sought beauty from within, instead of looking at their outsides first (and he was a short king). Loving someone for who they are and having it not work out, is way easier than loving someone based on a list of selfish qualities you created. I urge you to look in the Bible and create your list off of what he says first, then add your small wants; fun, loving, caring, etc. Pray for the one who loves to see you shine. If they don’t like something you love, pray they love it because you enjoy it and can enjoy it with you. Remember that it’s ok to want attraction and that it can happen in ways other than appearance. At a first impression, the heart will always shine brighter than the face. What are your thoughts? I would love to know in the comments!
That’s all I got friends, until next time! Kyrie Eleison— Lord have mercy upon us
LR Watkins
I love this!! After so many years of dating to find out what I really wanted vs what I was socialized to want, God has brought me full circle to a place where my only prayer is "I want Gods best for me and I want my eyes and my heart to stay open so I can recognize him." That's it, no more list. Which is hilarious because I started making my lists at 13 and would modify them every single year lol.
Thank you for this. I am reading this after going to bible study, and reading the readings for this upcoming Sunday, as we are practicing Lectio Divina. One part was to meditate on what we just read, and pray for something we have been waiting for, for us to have patience and trust in God's timing. Sometimes I feel unworthy (due to having kids with 2 other men) wanting to find a God fearing Man to be my husband, to have a marriage with God at the center. I knew when I was a little girl and then just before the age of 15, I wanted to be married, I wanted to wait and give my all to my husband. I waited but didn't wait for God or for marriage, I was proposed to but never actually planned or married. Before I came back to my faith in God, my religion, and my Church, I knew I had sinned and went my way to find a husband. I have repented and those sins have been absolved. I want to continue waiting on God for my future husband if it is His will. I have the desire but it's His will. I will trust God, have faith and hope that His will be done.