Guidelines: Spousehood, Sex, & Seaons
By: Leah Watkins
“When the physical part of sex ends, you are left the emotional parts. Contrary to what people say, that is the part that you remember the most.”
Happy holidays, and welcome to part two of Guidelines. If you would like to read the first post I wrote on Singleness then you can do that here: Guidelines: Singleness.
I’ve wanted to write about sex for a while but I haven’t found the right way to do it. I didn’t want to be too cringe, vulgar, or unrelatable in my words. But today as I sat down to write I realized that sex in spousehood, is just like the holidays. Every season is dfferent. This holiday season sex might look different than it was a few months or years back. In this piece, I wanted to acknowledge the lies the enemy and the world feed us about sex. Bullet points, away!!
Sex Cannot Be Your Fantasy.
In the Christian faith, we have a horrible habit of romanticizing sex. When I say romanticizing, I mean it’s to the point where it looks like a fairytale porn. I fell into this trap too for a bit. As soon as the wedding is over you’re ready to jump into bed, and get whisked away to pleasure. This behavior can even continue after marriage and can lead to disappointment in yourself or partner. Want to know a fun fact? I didn’t have sex after my wedding, I was exhausted and overwhelmed with the fact that I just committed my life to a man whom I only met a few years back. And that is ok. Fantastically thinking of sex can be selfish because you’re not considering the emotions of your partner (Or future partner). If sex is shared between two humans, then you need to allow yourself and your spouse to be human. Stop making it what you think it should be, and relax.
Sex Changes Through the Seasons
Just as the first paragraph mentions, sex can look different at any point during spousehood. During the holiday season especially, our calendars are packed with events, and sex might get pushed to the side. Maybe you went a full week without sex. Or a full month. That doesn’t mean you messed up or don’t love your spouse. Sex can ebb and flow just like emotions and challenges. The more you let it be, the less anxiety you’ll create. Just always remember to come back to you spouse. My first year of sex wasn’t the best. I had a lot of mental health problems, I was learning, and transitioning. My guilt used to eat me alive until I realized that I would have more years that look like this, life will always happen. But, I’ll also have even more years where sex is great. You will too.
Sex Requires Vulnerability
To be intimate in bed you have to be intimate outside of bed. This also requires a certain amount of emotional intellect from you and your partner. Ask yourself these questions (Single/dating people you can do this as well), how much of your spouse do you want to know? How much do you want them to know about you? Are you comfortable with sharing the parts of your mind that are dark and unsettling? I ask all of this because Christians get so excited to get physically naked with someone yet refuse to be emotionally naked. They go hand in hand. To love your spouse, is to know your spouse. Deeply. When the physical part of sex ends, you are left the emotional parts. Contrary to what people say, that is the part that you remember the most.
You Can’t Hide From Sex
Unfortunatly, I still run across people who treat sex as act of shame. Even after marriage, they still are uncomfortable with the idea of speaking about to their spouse, or trusted friend. Whether you are single, dating, or married, it’s not a sin to speak about sex. Listen, I’m not saying to air out your business to everyone you meet, but talking about sex can be healthy. In all things we should seek biblical advice and truth. If your struggling with sex, you should ALWAYS tell your spouse frist. If you have a close friend that your comfortable with, then open up to them as well (in a respectful manner that honors your spouse). The refusal to open up about it, creates a disconnect that can drive a wedge in your relationship. It can also lead to comparison to other relationships. Sex is not bad. It’s not taboo. As Miss Frizzle always said; “Ask questions, make mistakes, get messy!” Stop suppressing something that God created for you to enjoy.
So after all that what does the bible say about sex? “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then, come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5 NIV. I love this verse because it covers all the bases. Do not deprive each other with sex, unless there is a conversation and mutual decision. When you aren’t having sex, then be in prayer for each other and for your family. Then, remember to come back and have sex so the enemy won’t slip into your marriage. Communication, prayer, and the reminder to come back to your spouse. A beautiful road to a healthy sex life.
Well that’s all I got friends. As always leave a comment, share, and like! I can’t wait to share part three of Guidelines with you next week. If you have any questions please feel free to DM me. Have a wonder full week! Kyrie Eleison— Lord have mercy upon us.
LR Watkins