The Question of Death: Will You Be my Valentine?
By Leah Watkins
I’m taking a small break from my Black History Month stories to focus on a topic plaguing me. “Will you be my Valentine?” has recently been all over me for your TikTok and my Instagram page. For some reason, it has been a polarizing question. Some responses evoke rage, and others promote a beautiful and sweet response. I know I’m late on this and probably will be even more by the time most people find this post. But I wanted to touch on this because men, why do you get so mad at this question? Ladies, why do we love it when a man asks us to be his Valentine? (Read until the end to see my reaction to the flowers in the picture above)
“It’s The Ladies’ Choice” (All my theatre nerds comment the song reference)
Ok, I will admit that as a woman I love it when my husband asks me to be his Valentine. I’m very uncomfortable in overly emotional situations, so when asked, I do get a little awkward and shy. It’s not because I’m mad, I just get overwhelmed. My husband always counteracts this by saying “Look at you being nervous” and he ends up making me laugh. I know a lot of women like this, but their situations turn out a little different. The partner usually responds negatively and interprets their awkwardness as, ungratefulness. Which, I could see at the beginning of a relationship. But if you’ve known someone for long enough you know their quirks. You know when they truly love something, or they’re disgusted.
But at the end of the day, it’s the ladies’ choice. Ladies, your choice of man is the tone for your holidays. When I see videos of couples arguing, the girl usually has a hard time explaining what she’s asking for. But I can say it plainly. What we are asking for is to be pursued. No, pursuing isn’t this cringy and Christian action. Pursing in normal terms is just chasing after something with determination. “Leah I don’t need it! That’s not—” Yes you do. Even outside of Christian terms pursuing is a beautiful way to express devotion. It’s a way of saying “Hey I think of you, and I want to express it!” When choosing who to be with, ask yourself; is he pursuing you constantly? Is he slacking off in any way? Do I want this kind of treatment in marriage? Easier said than done of course. Trust me I have made my mistakes with this. I used to think the art of pursuing was cliche until I realized I served a God who actively pursued me every day. God is determined to keep me in His kingdom, so the man I married should be determined to keep me in his marriage. Also, ladies, you have to pursue your spouse as well. We don’t get a free pass. So you should also ask, do I enjoy pursuing and doing gestures for him as well?
Ok, Men Let’s Talk.
Do you want to know why asking “Will you be my Valentine?” is so hard? Because pursuing is hard. It’s an ongoing action that has to happen, even when you’re mad, or experience selfishness. When I asked my husband why he asked me to be his Valentine every year, he said it was because I could say no. I laughed, but then I thought about how right he was. I could say no to him at any point. I could choose not to be with him. So he asks as a way to honor my commitment, and to honor that I chose to stay. How nerve-wracking! Men, I will say, I couldn’t do it. I would feel just as nervous. Because what if she says no? What if her reaction to what I’m doing isn’t good enough? Ahh! My anxiety could never My husband has expressed this to me many times, and I always say he doesn’t need to be nervous. But I know he will be.
So why keep asking? Because showing that you are determined to be with someone is the most beautiful way to love. Yes, you can work, give gifts, and provide a life all year. But asking a simple question as a reminder that you truly love who you're with, is priceless. At the end of the day, you have to make sure the woman you are with is the one you want to pursue. If asking that question fills you with anger and self-doubt, then maybe you should explore that before you enter a relationship. Because yes there is pressure, and you deserve to be ready for a commitment, and you deserve to feel confident in yourself. “But Leah I just think it’s stupid” it might be to you. You’re allowed to have an opinion, but you aren’t allowed to hurt the ones you love.
Christ Does the Same For All of Us.
Christ pursues us daily. He never stops asking us if we want to be with Him or if we want to be His. It is a feat we will never match or deserve, and we get each day as soon as we wake up. We don’t have to remind Him or ask, he just does it. If we are to model our lives after him, then we are to do the same with our spouse. Yes, we will fail. We will be selfish. But showing forgiveness and grace can take you to amazing heights. When things get messy, figure it all out as a unit, and keep moving forward. Breathe and rely on each other. I will admit that the last part is tricky for me. I am a “Do it all myself” kind of gal. But when I begin to feel that push away from God, and my husband, I know that the feeling isn’t worth it. It’s better to be in one accord.
So ladies wait for the one who pursues, and men keep on exploring how to pursue. Couples, keep on pouring into each other and the Lord. Because before you were your spouse’s Valentine, you were His (and always will be).
Well, that’s all I got for ya! I wrote this late at night, which is a little different than usual. I am a night owl at heart so sometimes I get inspo in the evenings. I hope you all had a great Valentine’s Day, whether married, dating, or single! Kyrie Eleison— Lord have mercy upon us. Enjoy this video of me and Jason being chronically unserious.
LR Watkins
As someone who’s failed at love and relationships more than I’ve gotten it right maybe I get why the pursuit question is so difficult. There’s something in men (wow it’s challenging to make generalizations based on gender) but we do want to chase, pursue, etc the woman who catches our eye. That can go badly in so many ways, but balanced and mostly wholesome it’s beautiful for all. I still “pursue” my wife of nearly 20 years…can’t stop. Not sure how this attitude fits into our appropriately sensitive culture but I’m delighted you began the conversation.